Let seeping dogs lie

Let Seeping Dogs Lie

Everybody tells the occasional white lie. In a drunken bid to appear cool, I once claimed to have slept with over fifty women. My friends are now suspicious about a revised figure of five: luckily, the police can back me up on three cases.

I guess my habit of bending the truth is a result of my parents lying to me from an early age. On one of my frequent early forays into self discovery, my mother warned me that I could go blind — and judging by the state of my bint she may have had a point.

My old man was also incredibly careful with the truth when questioned about his potential whereabouts of an evening. Whenever I enquired of his destination, he would often reply: “I’m going to see a man about a dog.” It turns out he was friends with Helen Chamberlain’s agent.

My wife is also no stranger to a large pork pie. She claims that she had only had three previous lovers before me; I’m guessing she meant earlier that evening.

Lying is endemic in our culture; even academics will deliberately mislead. I read a report that claimed that one in ten males are homosexual. I have an insider at Stamford Bridge who swears that it’s one in eleven.

There are no greater perpetrators of mistruths than cartoons. It turns out that a frying pan across the noggin does not lead to a hilarious flattened head that is quickly shaken off. My wife was in a coma for three weeks.

The one lie that really aggravated me was the myth that Manchester is full of gun-toting locals. When I saw pictures of Rangers fans running amok through the city, I was expecting the locals to spray bullets at the problem — proving that two wrongs can make a right.

It was left to the Old Bill to try and calm our Scottish brothers on a night of high tension. There were running battles between the two camps; it was a real moral dilemma on who to support.

Life is not getting any easier for the citizens of Manchester thanks to the latest antics of Thaksin Shinawatra. I can let the corruption and the human rights violations slide, but replacing Sven with Mark Hughes is unforgivable.

The good doctor has now claimed political asylum in the UK, after jumping bail in his native Thailand. The Daily Mail may have a point about foreigners coming over here and taking up all the worst jobs.

Manchester City are in complete disarray and I can only foresee a heavy defeat at Villa Park. I shall be staking 1 point on Martin O’Neill’s men at even money, before going home to tell the wife how pretty she looks.

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